Joke of the day...

[NevadaJoe]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zis represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E -D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

[Corey]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh!# out of all of you!'St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?''Just a couple of minutes ago...'

[Curtis]

Politically correct sillinessMicrosoft USA http://www.microsoft.com/businessproductivity/default.mspxMicrosoft Poland http://www.microsoft.com/poland/businessproductivity/default.mspx

[yofa]

Politically correct sillinessMicrosoft USA http://www.microsoft.com/businessproductivity/default.mspxMicrosoft Poland http://www.microsoft.com/poland/businessproductivity/default.mspx

haha! awesome:http://www.dailytech.com/Microsoft+Apologizes+for+Photoshopping+Black+Man+out+of+Advertisment/article16093.htmpolitically incorrect is more like it. it was the black face that was replaced, not the other way around.

[shabaaz]

Funny old Fiat commercial...lolhttp://www.autoblog.com/2009/09/17/funny-car-commercial-of-the-day-fiat-versus-the-bicycle/

[Corey]

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard headingrapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!' Noticingsome bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew onthe bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is aboutto leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was onedelicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look ofterror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says theleopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearbytree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it forprotection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherdsees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures thatsomething must be up.The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes adeal for himself with the leopard.The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here,monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that connivingcanine!Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on hisback and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, thedog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen themyet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherdsays...'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me anotherleopard!

[Corey]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. I haven't had the flu all winter!'

[Corey]

[ashhabib]

Thats how I live my life. One day at a time.

[Earthworm]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog. I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had; an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Jeff]

RULES FOR GOLF AND PUBLIC WASHROOMS:10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.9. Form a loose grip.8. Keep your head down.7. Avoid a quick backswing.6. Stay out of the water.5. Try not to hit anybody.4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.2. Be quiet while others are about to go.1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

[Jeff]

Despite its wholesome intentions, this video managed to make me feel dirty. You've been warned.(work safe)www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_Oj0-splZw

[NevadaJoe]

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs1 to move it to the Lighting section2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs5 to flame the spell checkers3 to correct spelling/grammar flames6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[freeze]

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

If you insist:http://www.candlepowerforums.com/vb/forumdisplay.php?f=87

[freeze]

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

http://www.unece.org/trans/main/wp29/wp29regs/r037r5e.pdf

[apex]

http://www.hardocp.com/image.html?image=MTI2NjU5MjE1MjdFWEpraDhncjdfMV8xX2wuanBn

[Corey]

RetirementQuestion: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer : If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. Question: What do you do all week?Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.

[Guest foxster]

Great Jokes..........its having really fun read thread,,,,Smile.

[f0rd]

a day in the life of an internet car forum

[Brian_Earl_Spilner]

a day in the life of an internet car forumhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwnadb-vkxo&feature=player_embedded

hahahahahha she can do all this in her driveway!

[apex]

http://i.imgur.com/6M4k9.jpg

[Corey]

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house-mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great homeimprovement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following: ________________________________ In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register. ________________________________ In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. ________________________________ In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy. ________________________________ In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, “I Got Worms”________________________________ In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure. ________________________________ In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather. ________________________________ In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. ________________________________ In your 90's & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

[Art]

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

:eek: I'm as much 60's as 50's.

[Brian_Earl_Spilner]

[Vapour Trails]

Looked like a woman behind the wheel. Not suprising.

[Hard Dog]

Looked like a woman behind the wheel. Not suprising.

I don't think it mattered who was behind the wheel, it was never going to go up that "ramp".

[Corey]

ChurchOne Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied,"I'm not going.""Why not?" she asked.I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.1. You're 59 years old2. You're the pastor!----------The PicnicA Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter."This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."----------The UsherAn elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely."The front row please," she answered."You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring.""Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired."No." he said."I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly."Do you know who I am?" he asked."No." she said."Good," he answered.----------The Twenty and the OneA well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country."I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ""Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!""So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"----------Goat for DinnerThe young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied."Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?""Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."

[Jordan_Veale]

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/efa7b0c86f/engine-swapping-failThat's how you do an engine swap right

[mzf]

I would say this one is at least as good as the idiots pushing the civic into the uhaul.

[mzf]

Next time you're stuck in traffic don't get so impatient. Apparently it can get WAY worse.http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2010/08/23/15110711.html