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Everything posted by NevadaJoe

  1. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day my wife and Iwent into town and visited a shop.When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and I said,'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'He ignored us and continued writing the ticket...I called him a fool.He glared at me and started writing another ticketfor having worn-out tires.So my wife called him a "s**t head".He finished the second ticketand put it on the windshield with the first.Then he started writing mor
  2. A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The lawyer tells the Godf
  3. I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.I noticed two large women by the bar.They both had strong accents so I asked “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”One of them screamed “It’s WALES you IDIOT!”So, I immediately apologized and said “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
  4. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
  5. Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?Where do they go?Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the de
  6. Not sure if this is a joke or not. If it's not a joke, it's funny as hell.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNDyhq8pbvs
  7. A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.She repeats this gesture about five more times...When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'The old lady re
  8. 'Hello?''Hi honey.This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?''No, Daddy.She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'After a brief pause,Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now..'Brief Pause.'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to MommyThat Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.' 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'A few minutes laterThe little girl comes back to the phone.'I did it, Daddy.''And what happened, honey?''Well,
  9. The stage would be Joke of The Day for sure!
  10. ^ It's something I picked up at my day job - The Casinos of Winnipeg.
  11. Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.........This is done by the chip monks.
  12. Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, oonwalking, back flips, the works.The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed To me and I turned him down."Husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating."
  13. How to Tell the Sex of a FlyA woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter"What are you doing?" She asked."Hunting Flies" He responded."Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"He responded,"3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.
  14. His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
  15. Yep. The day You wanted $100 to install the "WSCC support vehicle" window sticker on my truck big shooter!
  16. Question - Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer fromshyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor orpharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and moreconfident about yourself and your actions.It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the worldthat you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You willnotice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, witha regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prev
  17. A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.""What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.""What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.""Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.""What about that ey
  18. This is HER diary entry and HIS diary entry for the same day . . . . .HER ENTRY . . . . .Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact I was a bit late, but he made no comment about it.Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said,"Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do
  19. Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.Pilots: Test flight OK, except
  20. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari
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