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The other day my wife hinted at taking a second honeymoon. I hinted back "with who"?   Then the fight started ....

Now that is funny!! 

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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day my wife and Iwent into town and visited a shop.When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and I said,'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'He ignored us and continued writing the ticket...I called him a fool.He glared at me and started writing another ticketfor having worn-out tires.So my wife called him a "s**t head".He finished the second ticketand put it on the windshield with the first.Then he started writing more tickets.This went on for about 20 minutes.The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.Just then our bus arrived.We got on it and went home!

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Bull pillsI recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angusbull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass andwouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I hadpaid more for that bull than he was worth.Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He saidthe bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young,so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.The bull started to service the cows within two days, all mycows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all ofmy neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know whatwas in the pills the Vet gave him .........but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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Human Resources hasn’t always had the best reputation, and apparently some people are suspicious that they’re using code to describe jobs. These are the best HR translations found on the web: "COMPETITIVE SALARY"Most of our competitors don't pay much either."JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"We have no time to train you."CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable."MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"Your first four projects are already way overdue."SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends."DUTIES WILL VARY"Anyone in the office can boss you around."MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"We have no quality control."CAREER-MINDED"Female applicants must be childless."APPLY IN PERSON"If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled."NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew."SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people."PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"This company is a total mess."REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect."GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

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So what's the problem? A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados."

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Just peachyA very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.The judge said, "Yes, do you have something you wish to add?"The husband said, "Yes, your honor . . . she also stole a can of peas."

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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!!", not a single one could shout "Truck."
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Not really a joke but this guy could do stand up!http://denver.craigslist.org/cto/4193066471.html [h=2]55 Olds Rocket 88 - $11500 (Fort Collins)[/h] Posted Image Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image 1955 oldsmobile delta 88 Here's the deal, kids:This is a 1955 Olds Rocket 88. This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import. It is solid, has wind noise, and character.It's a Hot Rod. It rides/drives like a Hot Rod. All of these are GOOD things.It is not new, it is not pristine, but it is from Co and it's Cool!If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.If you have been posting on facebook about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bullshit job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.If you consider the 2nd Amendment a relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL, this Hot Rod is for you.Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate?Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?-could you not care less?Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?Do you still miss your first ride? ( mine was a '70 Chevelle)Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: This is your kind of hot rod!DETAILS:-The badass little SBC 350 4 bolt main is bullet-proof and starts and runs like the proverbial champ. It has an edelbrock 750 carb. and Hooker fender well headers.-Tranny is a Turbo 350 an operates perfectly . Runs cool, stops quick and turns heads! It's set up as a "shine" runner...(the tail lights, brake lights and gauges can all be turned off independently) for quick get aways. New Front seat, fuel tank and paint (59 olds aquamarine/black satin). It has many custom hot rod features and it gets 16 MPG to boot!This little jewel has been in many car shows including; Viva Las Vegas, Atwood Early Rod Run, Good Guys, Blue Light Special , Hot Rods and Harleys and more!QUESTIONS:-Why are you selling?I can't justify owning it anymore. Motorsickles, work, travel, and many other hot rod projects and beer have consumed my time and money.Someone else needs to appreciate the Olds for what it is: awesome American mechanical artistry.-What's wrong with it?Not a damn thing! Crank it up and drive it on a road trip! I have driven it to car shows and had a blast!-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number]-Would this make a good car for my son/daughter?Hell. Yes. Not only a good car, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance.-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?No. -No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?That's great, I don't give a bleep. I want $12,00.Why? Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I'd rather keep it.But if it's going to a good home - I will sell. -Why are you such a dick?Everything is relative; you should see my friends. Hil-ar-i-ous!
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."And that's when the fight started...I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."And that's when the fight started...My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"And that's when the fight started...When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."And that's when the fight started...My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."And that's when the fight started...Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"And that's when the fight started...My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.And that's when the fight started...After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'And that's when the fight started...My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."And that's when the fight started...I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'And that's when the fight started...One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"And that's when the fight started...

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New Mexico Chili Cook-off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you.  I was crying by the end.  This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. 
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI 
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick. 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


 

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI 
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


 

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI 
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. 
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


 

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...  Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?


 

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER 
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive. 
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off..  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.


 

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY 
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb. 
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


 

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI 
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI 
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report. 

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