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Enviroment Canada WarningEnvironment Canada has issued a travel warning due to the snowfall and bad road conditions.They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:ShovelBlankets or sleeping bagExtra clothing including hat and gloves24 hours worth of foodDe-IcerRock SaltFlashlight with spare batteriesRoad Flares or Reflective TrianglesEmpty gas CanFirst Aid KitBooster cables..........I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!

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The other day my wife hinted at taking a second honeymoon. I hinted back "with who"?   Then the fight started ....

Now that is funny!! 

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3 dogs and a poodleThree handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see abeautiful, enticing, female Poodle.The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one toreach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves andhoping for just a glance from her in return.Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, shedecides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence cango out with me."The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liverand cheese.""Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination orintelligence whatsoever."She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can youdo?""Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever."My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb asthe Lab's sentence."She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you,little guy?"The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is theTaco Bell Chihuahua.He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Laband says....Liver alone. Cheese mine

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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?Where do they go?Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:"Freeze a jolly good fellow.""Freeze a jolly good fellow."Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

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I had a passing thought of the upcoming annual New Years Eve resolution event, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. A rabbit runs and hops all day long, and only lives 15 years.A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.And I'm expected to exercise?? I don't think so.

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Wrong roomA couple are at the airport in Arizona awaiting their flight. They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens and all ready to head home to the Canadian winter.An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress.The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they’re from?"He replies, "How would I know?"She counters, "You could go and ask them."He says, "I don’t really care. You want to know, you go ask them."She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks,"Excuse me. Noticing the way you’re dressed, I wonder where you’re from?"The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".The woman returns to her husband who asks, "So, where are they from?"She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English."

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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

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A Christmas TaleWhen four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not very many people know this.

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A little Christmas poem'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Glen,Not a sports car was stirring, not even a Renn.The stockings were hung on the Tirerack with care,In hopes that Saint Nick soon would soon be there.The kiddies were nestled all tucked in their Snuggies,While Porsches and Mazdas raced in their heads;Mom in her suit and I in my race Huggies,Had tucked in the Lotus, and put away the Zeds.When out on the road there arose such a clatter,I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter:Expecting to see a fast Bimmer roar by,We raced to the window, my dear wife and I.The moon on the chrome of her GT3,Gave the brightness of noonday to our Christmas tree.When what should my wondering eyes betray,But Catrinel Menghia Fiats, pulling a sleigh.With a small hero driver so steady and quick,I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick!More rapid than Grand Prix his little fleet came,And he poured on the coal as he called them by name."Now KA, now PB, now KN and TD,On VA, on TF, on NA and TC;To the top of the esses, keep away from the wall,Flat out through the Bus Stop and don't lift at all!"Like Ayrton Senna and Prost fighting a duel,They broadslid the driveway and turned on the fuel;Up to the garage where they braked to a stop,The sleigh full of goodies with Santa on top.The sleigh was carbon fiber - Pagani design;In British Racing Green, it really looked fine.The badge bar up front stood out clear and bold,The collection of badges a sight to behold.He was dressed in Italian Race Red,From the tip of his toes to top of his head;A bundle of speed parts he had on his back,And he chuckled with glee as he opened his pack.His eyes, how they sparkled, like an OZ wheel,His beard was the silver of machine-tooled steel;With a little round face and a chubby waist lineThat shook when he laughed like that M Coupe of mine.He started his task without saying a word,The Borla exhausts were all that was heard.Wire wheels for Junior, to fit his TD,Hood strap and windscreens for Lotus and me.Some paint for the Bug, marked "French Racing Bleu",Turbo, headers, and supercharger, too;The last thing he left was the best that could be,One Hot Lap presents for the family and me.He jumped to the sleigh and gave all his mentions,Then they took off like a wild start at the LeMons,And I heard him exclaim as he quickened the pace,Merry Christmas to all and to all a good race!Author Unknown (with a little help from One Hot Lap)Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!!

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A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering.......... "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

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I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.I noticed two large women by the bar.They both had strong accents so I asked “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”One of them screamed “It’s WALES you IDIOT!”So, I immediately apologized and said “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

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Little Blue PillsGrandma and Grandpa were visiting theirkids overnight.When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra inhis son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.The son said, 'I don't think you shouldtake one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.''How much?' asked Grandpa.'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd stilllike to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the moneyunder the pillow.'Later the next morning, the son found$110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you eachpill was $10.00, not $110.00.'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred isfrom Grandma!'

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Man, it's cold outOne bitter cold winter's day, a patrolman came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. “What's the matter?” asked the policeman.“Carbs frozen”. Was the terse reply. “Pee on it. That'll thaw it out.”“I can't.”“Ok. Watch and I'll show you.”The constable proudly “warmed” the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off waving. A few days later, the chief constable received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.It began: “On behalf of my daugther, who was recently stranded........”

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The honeymoon's over!One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his racing equipment and going over the season's race schedule.His wife was standing nearby watching him.After a long period of silence she finally speaks.“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married, I think it's it's time you quit racing. Maybe you should sell all your racing gear and your car.The husband gets a horrified look on his face.She says, “Darling, what's wrong?”He replies, “For a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife!”“Ex-wife!” she screams. “I didn't know you were married before!” “I wasn't!”

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Tell him I'll kill him if he doesn't tell the truth!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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