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The other day my wife hinted at taking a second honeymoon. I hinted back "with who"?   Then the fight started ....

Now that is funny!! 

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Wife left a note on the fridge....."It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!" I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........What the heck was she talking about..........women !!

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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?""Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."[Don't make me come splain this to you! --- Read the last line again, slowly --- out loud.]

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TECHNOLOGY:Guy is over at his girlfriend's place and asks her if she has a newspaper. She is surprised he asked explaining that in the digital era there is less need for newspapers blah blah blah... he should just use her iPad.That spider never had a chance!

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A few zingers:I asked my new girlfriend what kind of books she's interested in, She replied “Cheque books"!The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the price of a new one.Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?A: When pigs drink, they don't turn into men.Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?A: A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the Judge.Oximoron?: A beautiful nurse who holds your hand for one full minute and expects your pulse to be normal.

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Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, oonwalking, back flips, the works.The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed To me and I turned him down."Husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating."

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A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!'

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Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.........This is done by the chip monks.

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'Hello?''Hi honey.This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?''No, Daddy.She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'After a brief pause,Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now..'Brief Pause.'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to MommyThat Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.' 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'A few minutes laterThe little girl comes back to the phone.'I did it, Daddy.''And what happened, honey?''Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresserAnd now she isn't moving at all!''Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?''He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool.But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it.He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'Long PauseLonger PauseEven Longer PauseThen Daddy says,'Swimming pool? ...........Is this 486-5731?'No, I think you have the wrong number........

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One day a man decided to retire...He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.""Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky tohave a row boat wash up with you.""Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem,” she replied. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much but I call it home. Please sit down. Would you like a drink?" “No, thank you!," the man blurts out, still dazed;"I can’t take another drop of coconut juice."“Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces;"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, he goes upstairs to the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?”When he returns, she, smelling faintly of gardenias, greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her."Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him;"We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you've had some fun?She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Race Track?"

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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.She repeats this gesture about five more times...When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

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Seeing as there is another "old guy" aroundI pointed to two old guys sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "that's us in 10 years!" He said...."that's a mirror, dip-shit!"

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'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.' 'What's that mean?' asked the child. 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.' Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

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