Joke of the day...

[freeze]

Should have been a drifter.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

[shabaaz]

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[freeze]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate... He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place. "The grass is almost a foot high .

[Corey]

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really mean)Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)Years of development. (It finally worked.)Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it.)No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)Robust. (More than rugged.)Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)

[NevadaJoe]

Do you qualify?LeMans part duex?

[Corey]

You're From Where in Canada? TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and three bridges. You do the math.2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on. 5. Weed.TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA1. Big rock between you and B.C.2. Ottawa who?3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of. 5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country. 6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN1. You never run out of wheat.2. Your province is really easy to draw.3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours. 4. People will assume you live on a farm.TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter. 4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO1. You live in the centre of the universe.2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump. 3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election. 4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC1. Racism is socially acceptable.2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada. 4. You can blame all your problems on the 'Anglo *#!%!'TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income. 2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies. 3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick . 4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.4. Everyone has been an extra on 'Road to Avonlea.'5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.3. The workday is about two hours long.4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

[freeze]

REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND1. If Quebec separates' date=' you will float off to sea.2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.3. The workday is about two hours long.4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.[/quote']Its easy to teach people to speak Newfoundland dialect. You only need four words. Repeat after me: "Whale" Repeat ater me: "Oil" Repeat after me: "Beef" Repeat after me: "Hooked" Now repeat all for words togethether.

[Corey]

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/full-list-of-stuff-white-people-like/Too funny!

[Brian_Earl_Spilner]

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/full-list-of-stuff-white-people-like/Too funny!

There are several stuff.....peoplelike.com sites.I also enjoy http://stuffunemployedpeoplelike.com

[NevadaJoe]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she answered.I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'And that's how the fight started

[Curtis]

Remember the guy who tried to pay his bill with a drawing of a seven legged spider? Either way, he's back at it.http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/2479342/Spider-email-joker-is-back-David-Thorne-spider-email-prankster-returns-David-Thorne-winds-up-gym-boss-and-landlord.html

[conebasher]

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/2479342/Spider-email-joker-is-back-David-Thorne-spider-email-prankster-returns-David-Thorne-winds-up-gym-boss-and-landlord.html

I'm trying to decide if this is someone I would want to hang around with or avoid-it's a tough call

[ashhabib]

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/full-list-of-stuff-white-people-like/Too funny!

I bought that book last month!

[Need my Focusin]

I'm trying to decide if this is someone I would want to hang around with or avoid

the middle one

[Corey]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[yofa]

internet phenoms united:http://www.break.com/holy-taco/Walker-told-keyboard-cat-he-has-aids.html

[NevadaJoe]

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'And that's how the fight started.

[yofa]

$60k for a time machine? that's a bargain!http://www.motorcities.com/vehicle/09FMI330705482.html

[Corey]

http://www.kgw.com/news-local/stories/kgw_062009_news_lawyer_car_speeding.d4b1c13.html

ASTORIA, Ore. -- A Portland attorney who blamed his German luxury car for a speeding ticket was told he was responsible, not the automaker. Akin Blitz said he was just trying to get ahead of a line of cars following a motorhome over a mountain pass on U.S. Highway 26. But Akin said he had no idea his BMW 535xi was going 76 mph in a 55 mph zone because of its handling characteristics. Akin buttressed his arguments with a PowerPoint presentation and testimony from a mechanic. But Clatsop County Circuit Judge Philip Nelson fined Blitz $182 and told him he was not only speeding, he ignored the risk of hitting wildlife that frequently cross the road.

[Corey]

Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in Red Deer, Alberta, when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend. A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to Interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" He starts writing in his book. "But I'm not a Flames Fan" the little hero replies. "Sorry, but as we are in Alberta, I just assumed you were." says the reporter and he starts writing again. 'Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' he writes in his notebook. "I'm not an Oilers fan either" the little boy says. "Oh, I assumed that everyone in Alberta was either for the Flames or the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I am a Maple Leafs fan" the boy replies. The reporter starts a new page in his notebook and writes: 'Little Bastard from Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet.'

[Corey]

Housewife Charged in Sex-for-Security ScamAKRON, OH—Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex for security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded husband Russell Crandall out of nearly $230,000 in cash, food, clothing and housing over the past 19 years using periodic offers of sexual intercourse. "It's the biggest scam of its kind I've ever seen," Akron police chief Thomas Agee said. "We're talking coats, dishwashers, jewelry, sewing machines, bathroom cleansers—you name it."According to Agee, undercover agents spotted Crandall's husband handing her $50 in cash at approximately 4 p.m., just 30 minutes after the two had sex. Crandall then drove off in her car, returning home two hours later with five bags of groceries. "That's when we made the arrest," Agee said. "After tracking her for years, we finally had proof that she was buying all those goods with dirty money."During the arrest, Akron police officials entered the Crandall household and seized more than 150 items Mrs. Crandall had received from her husband over the last 19 years, including a four-speed adjustable food processor, 12 pairs of earrings, a matching sofa and loveseat, a box of two-ply kitchen garbage bags, and a portable radio. In exchange for these items, Agee said, Crandall's husband received sex an estimated 950 times—most frequently in the master bedroom, but also in the downstairs den three times, and once on the floor of the sewing room.In addition to physical evidence, Akron police have collected considerable eyewitness testimony. More than 250 Akron residents have come forward to report seeing Helen and Russell Crandall together, and several said they witnessed Mr. Crandall flagrantly purchasing items for his wife. "Sure, they'd come in here," said Ray Greene of Greene's House and Home. "I think the last time they got one of those box fans with the three settings." Perhaps the most damaging testimony has come from Mr. Crandall himself, who on Tuesday told police that while the couple was dating in 1977, Mrs. Crandall—then known as Helen Steuben—demanded that he buy her a ring worth over $1,000 before he could have sex with her. The first sexual liaison took place some six months later at Bob's Honeymooner Hotel during an all-expenses-paid trip to Niagara Falls. It was also in 1977, Mr. Crandall said, that his wife quit her job at Shippee Shoes in downtown Akron. "Clearly," Summit County prosecutor Andrew Dravecky said, "after quitting her job, the accused began receiving money under the table from some other source: How else could she have afforded to not work? It's now pretty apparent that at that point she began supporting herself by providing a certain service to Mr. Crandall."Crandall's mother, Bernice Steuben, a resident of the Valley View Senior Home in Yuma, AZ, is being sought for questioning in connection to the case: Police suspect that Steuben may have introduced her daughter to the sex-for-security scam after having used it herself from 1932 to 1971. But for all the evidence collected against Crandall, Dravecky said the case will likely be difficult to prosecute. "Helen was very careful to cover her tracks," he said. "She even got her husband to put her name on the bank accounts and credit cards."The Crandall case is not an isolated incident, said criminologist John Ohlmeyer, who said there are "literally millions" of such cases across the U.S. each year that never come to court."This kind of thing isn't as uncommon as we'd all like to think," Ohlmeyer said. "A woman finds herself in a situation where she isn't employable. Or maybe she has interests like child-rearing, cooking and home-maintenance that keep her from getting a job. So what does she do? She cooks up a scheme to entrap a man using her body as the bait. It's frightening, but it happens every day in this country."http://theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4127&n=2

[Need my Focusin]

Drag Racing

[Art]

Let me google that for youhttp://lmgtfy.com/?q=winnipeg+sports+car+club

[NevadaJoe]

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat and boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff...I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...So I did.Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...So I did.Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy… '

[Brian_Earl_Spilner]

[Brian_Earl_Spilner]

[JT_TT]

New words for 2009* TESTICULATING.Waving your arms around and talking BS.* BLAMESTORMING.Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or aProject failed, and who was responsible.* SEAGULL MANAGER.A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, andThen leaves.* SALMON DAY.The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get Screwed and die.* CUBE FARM.An office filled with cubicles.* PRAIRIE DOGGING.When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, andpeople ' s heads pop up over the walls to see what ' s going on.(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)* SALAD DODGER.An excellent phrase for an overweight person.* SWAMP-DONKEYA deeply unattractive person.* AEROPLANE BLONDE.One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get itTo work again.* NO SECOND.That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've justMade a BIG mistake (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').* GREYHOUND.A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.* MILLENNIUM DOMES.The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.* MONKEY BATHA bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!Aa! Aa! Aa!'.* MYSTERY BUS.The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in theToilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people soThe pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.* TART FUEL.Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.* TRAMP STAMPTattoo on a female* PICASSO BUM.A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she'sGot 4 butts

[JT_TT]

Nothing like a little sexist joke to start off your fridayneed letters to make this work

[Brian_Earl_Spilner]

No amount of words in the world can explain this picture:

[NevadaJoe]

Darwinian M & M's

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.