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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing indespair, he has his first meeting with the devil.Satan: “Why so glum?”Guy: “Why do you think? I’m in hell!”Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Youa drinking man?”Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”Satan: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do isdrink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. Wedrink ’til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don’t haveto worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.”Guy: “Gee that sounds great!”Satan: “You a smoker?”Guy: “You better believe it”Satan: “All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigarsfrom all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - nobiggie, you’re already dead, remember?”Guy: “Wow that’s awesome!”Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.”Guy: “Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.”Satan: “Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, itdoesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.”Guy: “Cool!”Satan: “What about drugs?”Guy: “Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…?”Satan: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You cando all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.”Guy: “Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”Satan: “You gay?”Guy: “No…”Satan: “Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough…”

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Why Men Have Better FriendsFriendship between Women:A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.Friendship between Men:A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

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warning: Home Depot Scamcareful shopping at Home Depot.WATCH OUT GUYS!!! SCAM!!Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.Don'tbe naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.Here's how the scam works:Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your caras you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping yourwindshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out oftheir skimpy T-shirts.. It is impossible not to look.When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead askyou for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat.On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into thefront seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one reaches foryour wallet.I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 7th, 8th,10th,11th, 12th, three times last Saturday and very likely again thisupcoming weekend.So tell your friends to be careful.P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

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Golf & The FrogA man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, hehears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.Boom!He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.You must be a lucky frog, eh?The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole."What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life andasks the frog, "OK where to next?"The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. " They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, nowwhat?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet? " The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in thehotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."The frog replies,"Ribbit KissMe."He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Thefirst of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headeddirectly towards a group of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ballhit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at hiscrotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evidentagony.The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.Sheexplained: "I'm a physical therapist. Please allow me to help.I know Icould relieve your pain if you'd allow me.""Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be alright.....I'll be fine in a few minutes",he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position stillclasping his hands together at his crotch. But she felt so guilty thatshe continued to insist on helping him. The man finally relented: "Well,if you really think it would do some good....."She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side; she loosenedhis pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage him. Shethen asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "Bloodybrilliant, but my thumb still hurts like hell.":p

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me' .12. The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry,.13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop........ The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,000 a year (a pretty small salary) and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,000) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

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A man has 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. 'No', he said, 'the seat is empty'.'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in his right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?'Somberly, the man says, 'Well... the seat actually belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come here with me, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967.' 'Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?'The man shakes his head, 'No. They're all at the funeral.'

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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns-------------------------------------Dear Uncle Walter:I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.Can you please help?Sincerely,Sheila (scroll down) Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.Walter

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There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and we kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS40-ish - 49Adventurous - Slept with everyoneAthletic - No titsAverage looking - UglyBeautiful - Pathological liarContagious Smile - Does a lot of pillsEmotionally secure - On medicationFeminist - FatFree spirit - JunkieFriendship first - Former very *friendly* personFun - AnnoyingNew Age - Body hair in the wrong placesOpen-minded - DesperateOutgoing - Loud and EmbarrassingPassionate - Sloppy drunkProfessional - BitchVoluptuous - Very FatLarge frame - Hugely FatWants Soul mate - Stalker

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