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NevadaJoe

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Posts posted by NevadaJoe

  1. Darwinian M & M's

    Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

  2. A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat and boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff...I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...So I did.Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...So I did.Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy… '

  3. My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she answered.I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'And that's how the fight started

  4. The Pastor's New TeethThe minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up.

  5. Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:================================================== ==============1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an bum.3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.13. Glibido: All talk and no action.14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating....and in a similar vein...The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

  6. From the water cooler at my office:

    Tired of my wildly fluctuating emotions my husband bought me a mood ring to help him gauge my state of mind.Here is what we have learned....When i'm in a good mood the ring glows green. When i'm in a bad mood the ring leaves a big red mark in the middle of his forehead.Maybe next time he will buy me a diamond.

  7. If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.3 - Half the people you know are below average.4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  8. I was originally going to post this under the AGM thread but was concerned it would get passed.I'd like to motion that the constitution be amended to include a Director of S2000's. Duties to include:1. Researching / posting / commenting on videos found on the Internet.2. Arranging group buys on S2K specific products3. Locating posts on other S2K's for sale4. Discussing various chrome vs. non-chrome goodies on their rides.Any seconders?

  9. The owner of a golf course in Saskatchewan was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Saskatchewan and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

  10. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.__________________________________________________ __________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?MZF: No, I just lie there.__________________________________________________ __________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.______________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget.ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_____________________________________ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!______________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until thenext morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?______________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Uh.... I wa s gett'in laid!______________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?______________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?______________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Guess._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?______________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________--- And the best for last: ---ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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