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Posts posted by NevadaJoe

  1. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day my wife and Iwent into town and visited a shop.When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and I said,'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'He ignored us and continued writing the ticket...I called him a fool.He glared at me and started writing another ticketfor having worn-out tires.So my wife called him a "s**t head".He finished the second ticketand put it on the windshield with the first.Then he started writing more tickets.This went on for about 20 minutes.The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.Just then our bus arrived.We got on it and went home!

  2. A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Tell him I'll kill him if he doesn't tell the truth!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

  3. I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.I noticed two large women by the bar.They both had strong accents so I asked “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”One of them screamed “It’s WALES you IDIOT!”So, I immediately apologized and said “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

  4. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

  5. Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?Where do they go?Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:"Freeze a jolly good fellow.""Freeze a jolly good fellow."Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

  6. A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.She repeats this gesture about five more times...When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

  7. 'Hello?''Hi honey.This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?''No, Daddy.She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'After a brief pause,Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now..'Brief Pause.'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to MommyThat Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.' 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'A few minutes laterThe little girl comes back to the phone.'I did it, Daddy.''And what happened, honey?''Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresserAnd now she isn't moving at all!''Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?''He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool.But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it.He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'Long PauseLonger PauseEven Longer PauseThen Daddy says,'Swimming pool? ...........Is this 486-5731?'No, I think you have the wrong number........

  8. Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.........This is done by the chip monks.

  9. How to Tell the Sex of a FlyA woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter"What are you doing?" She asked."Hunting Flies" He responded."Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"He responded,"3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.
  10. Question - Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer fromshyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor orpharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and moreconfident about yourself and your actions.It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the worldthat you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You willnotice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, witha regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that preventyou from living the life you want to live.Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you willdiscover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and startliving. Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, womenwho wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to tryit.Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss ofvirginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration,dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds ofStrip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.WARNINGS:* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

  11. A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.""What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.""What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.""Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.""What about that eye patch?""Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them poo-poo in my eye.""You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poo-poo.""It was my first day with the hook."

  12. This is HER diary entry and HIS diary entry for the same day . . . . .HER ENTRY . . . . .Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact I was a bit late, but he made no comment about it.Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said,"Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept on driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too". When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep, and I lay there crying. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster!HIS ENTRY FOR THE SAME DAY . . . . .The Ferrari wont start . . . . can't figure out why.

  13. Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.Engineers: Evidence removed.Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.Engineers: That's what they're for.Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.Engineers: Suspect you're right.Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.Pilots: Target radar humsEngineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.Engineers: Cat installed.Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

  14. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in well under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower

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