JT_TT

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?45LbWhat’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?45mins.What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?Sexual Harassment.What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?$3.99 a minute.How can you tell if your wife is dead?The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.How can you tell if your husband is dead?The sex is the same, but you get the remote.What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?Marriage.How many men does it take to change a light bulb?None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.What is a man's view of safe sex?A padded headboard.How do men sort their laundry?"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.What do you call a smart blonde?A golden retriever.What is the difference between a battery and a woman?A battery has a positive side.A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?The blonde, because she's 18.Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?When you take it off, you wonder where the breast went.Do you know the punishment for bigamy?Two mothers-in-law.

FROM Delilah SandersonHuman Resources DirectorTO All employeesDate November 6 2004RE Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd starting at noon in the private function room in the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a three piece band playing traditional carols..........after a few drinks, please feel free to sing along. And, don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!A Christmas tree will be lit at 13:00. Exchange of gifts amongst employees can be done at this time; however, no gift should be over £10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocket. This gathering is only for employees.Merry Christmas to you all and your families, DelilahFROM Delilah SandersonHuman Resources DirectorTO All employeesDate November 7 2004RE Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterdays memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we are calling it our "Holiday Party".The same policy applies to any of our other non Christian employees. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas Carols sung. We will have other types of music for your entertainmentHappy now?Happy Holiday to you all. DelilahFROM Delilah SandersonHuman Resources DirectorTO All employeesDate November 8 2004RE Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non drinking table....you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous any more!!Forget about the present exchange. No gifts will be allowed as the union official said £10 was too much money to spend on their "Comrades" and management consider £10 too cheap. So NO GIFT EXCHANGEFROM Delilah SandersonHuman Resources DirectorTO All employeesDate November 8 2004RE Holiday PartyMY, what a diverse group we are. I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit furthest away from the dessert buffet and pregnant women table closest to the toilets. Gays will be allowed to sit with each other, lesbians do not have to sit with the gays, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the men's table also. To the person asking for permission to cross-dress - NOWe will have booster seats for short arses. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. As we cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest those with high blood pressure, taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as a dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. SorryDid I miss anything ?!?!?!?FROM Delilah SandersonSlave Traders DirectorTO All poo-poo-head employeesDate November 9 2004RE The Phucking Holiday PartyVegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people. The party STAYS at the Grill House, like it or not. Sit at the table furthest from the “grill of death" as you put it and you'll get your blasted salad bar with organic tomatoes. But listen....tomatoes have feelings as well you know. They scream when you cut them. Oh yes. I've heard them scream. I can hear them screaming NOW.Have a rotten holidayFROM John ParkerActing Human Resources DirectorTO All employeesDate November 10 2004RE Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Delilah Sanderson a speedy recovery and I'll forward your cards to her.In the meantime, the management have decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of December 23 off with full payHappy Holidays

HAHA Jeff that was a good one-----------------------------------------------------------------------See! blondes are smartA bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Haha come on guys, my jokes are funny...your shots at me are a bit lame and for a joke thread you should of picked up the pace and thought about it for a bit. Jeff posts in here too sometimes...oh and i did start the post so i'm allowed to post in

RE: Email Chain LettersDear AllMy thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .....Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.Thanks to you,I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.And thanks to your great advice,I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.""No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.It read;"Dear Wife,You must realise that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this fax I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.You Husband"When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him that read as follows;"Dear Husband,You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this fax I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.Don't wait up"

Cheezy Joke Warning!!Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the greatcomposers. Anyway to give the film a twist and some "oomph" hedecides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today. He callsStallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Seagal into his office to hear who theywould like to play:"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would loveto play him.""Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve ifpeople saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him.""I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal."I'd like to play him."Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be,Arnold?"So Arnold says ..."I'll be Bach."

A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to otherpeople, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on anovernight sleeper-train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy oversharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he inthe upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboardto get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here"."I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend thatwe're married."WOW!!! .....that's a great idea!" he exclaimed."Good," she replied. "get your own f**king blanket!".There was a stunned silence.Then he farted.

Jeremy Clarkson Quotes"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen.""We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.""[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany""America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker"On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot". Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?" Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible:thisis another league of badness!""some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!""the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite""Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?""The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"(Fed up during the caravanning trip) "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!""This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.Notthat that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.""I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction.Run them down to prove them wrong'"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi""Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!"Well Mr. Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted""Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory""Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, it's just........" Hammond:"THAT bad is it? "Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didn't you spot that?!" Hammond:"I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph." Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on?I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!""Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for amurderer.""I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time""[talking about the Audi TT]there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face""Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.It'slike making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. ""Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps.""you can't have this car with a diesel, it's like saying, I won't go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!""During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..." Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright greenTonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President

iTITApple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.The I-TIT will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Innovative2. Preliminary3. Proliferation4. CinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Specificity2. Anti-constitutionalistically3. Passive-aggressive disorder4. TransubstantiateTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.2. Nope, no more booze for me!3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.7. I'm not interested in fighting you.8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have nocoordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in thisparking lot or on the side of the road.10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

one day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a carPulled up beside him and the window was wound down."I'll give you a bag of suckers if you get in the car", said the maleDriver "No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.How about a bag of suckers and $10?" asked the driver?"No way", replied the irritated youngster."What about a bag of suckers and FIFTY BUCKS, eh"? Quizzed the driver,Still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy."No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy "OK, I know whatYou want; I'll give you $100 and a bag of suckers",The driver offered. "NO," screamed the boy."What will it take to get you into the car"? Asked the driver with a longSigh.The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Honda, you live with it."-hehe-

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Getting OLD!At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their weddingshe and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concernedthat her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend theentire night together.After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and theexpected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, thedoor opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready foraction.They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, andshe prepares to go to sleep.After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroomdoor and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhatsurprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds aredone, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is backagain, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready formore "action". And, once more they enjoy each other.But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,"I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so welland so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who wereonly good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:"You mean I was here already?"The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old,Alzheimer's has its advantages.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man."Same," says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer."Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

How many more till i get a temp ban for spamming....ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT - DOCKET 12659CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADYA lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. SmileThen she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Very HappyThen she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. LaughingBUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident." I just lost it!" Razz"CASE DISMISSED!"Rolling Eyes

The ColonoscopyAll the organs of the body were having a meeting,trying to decide who was the one in charge."I should be in charge," said the brain,"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.""I should be in charge," said the blood ,"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.""I should be in charge," said the stomach ,"because I process food and give all of you energy.""I should be in charge," said the legs,"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.""I should be in charge," said the eyes,"Because I allow the body to see where it goes.""I should be in charge," said the rectum,"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."All the other body parts laughed at the rectumand insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.Within a few days,the brain had a terrible headache,the stomach was bloated,the legs got wobbly,the eyes got watery,and the blood was toxic.They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.The Moral of the story?The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

THE GOLFING NUN.......A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family.""It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talentedgolfer before I devoted my life to Christ.""I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?""Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!""Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!""Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit thedrive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !""Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!""No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs myball and runs off down the fairway!"?"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother."But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!""So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile."Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.Here are some examples:1. FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.2. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes awhile to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device ifthe right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push thewrong buttons.3. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.4. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to goanywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse5. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.6. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at andfrequently getting hit on.7. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.8. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weightshifts to the bottom.9. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.10. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. Whenwomen go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions atthe entrance:-"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value ofthe products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any itemfrom a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, butyou CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1stfloor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids andare extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled tokeep going.She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men HaveJobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help with Housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These menhave Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework andHave a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the signreads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are nomen on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women areimpossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.To avoid gender bias charges, the stores owner opens a New Wives storejust across the street. The 1st floor has wives that love sex. The 2ndfloor has wives that love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floorshave never been visited......

Also be careful who you get your advice from. Look for people that are actually doing fairly well in their classes, and for tire pressures ask them what they drive, or have driven. I know when i had my Jetta i would not go ask one of the RWD guys what tire pressures to run because it's totally different. As well i remember i parked beside an unnamed person in a ZX2 at a couple events and the information that he was spouting off was extremely counter intuitive to what i was doing and what i was hearing else where's. So i went to Timing and Scoring checked the placings, and then promptly dismissed all the information given to me.Rookie course walk! very informative! and then also walking with other people that know what they are doing, but don't be too nosy and try not to talk too much or you'll distract them and then they won't help you.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think Idon't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels likewhen I'm driving."

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.