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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large gorilla.Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.The husband then grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the door shut. "Now, tell him you have a headache."

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The other day my wife hinted at taking a second honeymoon. I hinted back "with who"?   Then the fight started ....

Now that is funny!! 

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SASKATCHEWAN> >> >Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.> >Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day.> >He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"> >God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards> >through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!"> >Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?"> >"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call > >it> >Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance.> >"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.> >God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, > >Northern> >Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern> >Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot > >spot.> >And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is> >a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different> >countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be> >very cold and covered in ice."> >The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass> >and said, "What's that one?"> >"Ah," said God. "That's Saskatchewan, the most glorious place on earth.> >There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people> >from Saskatchewan are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and > >they> >are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely> >sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known > >throughout> >the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."> >Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about> >balance, God? You said there would be balance!"> >God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the dingbats I'm putting around> >them in North Dakota, Manitoba, Alberta, and North West Territories.":)

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> >God replied wisely' date=' "Wait until you see the dingbats I'm putting around> >them in North Dakota, Manitoba, Alberta, and North West Territories.":)[/quote']I guess that's why I've always thought of Saskatchewan as 6 hours I have to endure on the way to Alberta. :P
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"Ah' date='" said God. "That's Saskatchewan, the most glorious place on earth.There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The peoplefrom Saskatchewan are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremelysociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."[/quote']must've been written by a saskatchewinian. some of them actually believe that stuff. i dealt with one guy that felt he had to tell me about this great land called regina, and was even bold enough to put on the dinner menu i was helping him with "from regina." maybe i should take him to a sports lounge during a bomber game.
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A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex.' And Bob wrote 'I love sex.'

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There was an Englishman, Irishman and an American standing on top of the empire state building. The American speaks up and says “hey guys I bet you a hundred bucks I can jump of this building, fly around it twice and land exactly where I am standing now”.The Englishman ponders and finally says “Rubbish! Either way I can't win. If you jump and land successfully I lose the money, and if you fall and die I get no money because you'll be dead”.The Irishman speaks up next and says “I’ll take you up on that bet. There is no way you can do that!”So the American jumps off of the empire state building and flies around the building twice and lands easily on the same spot as he was standing.The Irishman looks bedazzled and stutters “That was amazin'! But if you can do it then so can I. Let's go double or nuttin'."And so with that the Irishman takes a running leap off of the Empire state building. Sadly, he discovers that he cannot fly, and falls to his death.The Englishman, chuckling, turns to the American and says "F**k me, Superman, you can be a right wanker sometimes."

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Kids Views on MarriageHOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Alan, age 9

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  • 3 weeks later...

Three guys and a girl are stranded on an island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing they bury her!Then after ANOTHER week they're so ashamed of what they're doing they dig her up again!:D

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THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST:Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes atleast half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mindthat a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Couldyou send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was marriedto an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty asI am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?Here are my questions specifically:- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,restaurants, gyms-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper eastside so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop deadgorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the storythere?- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do theyhang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking forMARRIAGE ONLYPlease hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honestway. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up frontabout it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping anice home and hearth.* it's NOT ok to contact this posterwith services orother commercial interestsPostingID: 432279810 THE ANSWERDear Pers-431649184:I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfullyabout your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how Isee it.Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple acr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what yousuggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bringmy money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and mymoney will likely continue into perpetuity... in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won'tbe getting any more beautiful!So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earningasset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay prettyhot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins inearnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business senseto "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In caseyou think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It'sas simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard tobelieve that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and thenwe wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort oflease, let me know.

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Took this off NASIOC:My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, her younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.Hehehe! :D

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  • 2 weeks later...

A guy walked into the welfare office to pick up his check. As he was standing at the counter, he confessed to the clerk,"You know, I really HATE drawing welfare. I'd rather just have a job."The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. Have you ever had a valid driver's license?""Yes," the man replied with excitement."Great. You'll drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply your wardrobe.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you may be expected to satisfy her every sexual urge. You'll be provided an apartment above the garage. The salary is $90,000 a year."The man, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"The social worker replied, "Yeah, well, you started it."

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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Ingonish, a Nova Scotia man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one Mountie. "Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted. The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first." The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but we found your wife's body in the bay this morning." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25lb. snow crabs and six good-size lobsters clinging to her." Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The other Mountie chimed in excitedly, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

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THE GOLFING NUN.......A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family.""It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talentedgolfer before I devoted my life to Christ.""I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?""Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!""Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!""Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit thedrive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !""Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!""No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs myball and runs off down the fairway!"?"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother."But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!""So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile."Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

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The ColonoscopyAll the organs of the body were having a meeting,trying to decide who was the one in charge."I should be in charge," said the brain,"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.""I should be in charge," said the blood ,"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.""I should be in charge," said the stomach ,"because I process food and give all of you energy.""I should be in charge," said the legs,"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.""I should be in charge," said the eyes,"Because I allow the body to see where it goes.""I should be in charge," said the rectum,"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."All the other body parts laughed at the rectumand insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.Within a few days,the brain had a terrible headache,the stomach was bloated,the legs got wobbly,the eyes got watery,and the blood was toxic.They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.The Moral of the story?The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

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How many more till i get a temp ban for spamming....ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT - DOCKET 12659CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADYA lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. SmileThen she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Very HappyThen she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. LaughingBUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident." I just lost it!" Razz"CASE DISMISSED!"Rolling Eyes
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man."Same," says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer."Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Getting OLD!At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their weddingshe and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concernedthat her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend theentire night together.After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and theexpected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, thedoor opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready foraction.They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, andshe prepares to go to sleep.After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroomdoor and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhatsurprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds aredone, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is backagain, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready formore "action". And, once more they enjoy each other.But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,"I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so welland so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who wereonly good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:"You mean I was here already?"The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old,Alzheimer's has its advantages.

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A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

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one day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a carPulled up beside him and the window was wound down."I'll give you a bag of suckers if you get in the car", said the maleDriver "No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.How about a bag of suckers and $10?" asked the driver?"No way", replied the irritated youngster."What about a bag of suckers and FIFTY BUCKS, eh"? Quizzed the driver,Still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy."No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy "OK, I know whatYou want; I'll give you $100 and a bag of suckers",The driver offered. "NO," screamed the boy."What will it take to get you into the car"? Asked the driver with a longSigh.The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Honda, you live with it."-hehe-

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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Innovative2. Preliminary3. Proliferation4. CinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Specificity2. Anti-constitutionalistically3. Passive-aggressive disorder4. TransubstantiateTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.2. Nope, no more booze for me!3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.7. I'm not interested in fighting you.8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have nocoordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in thisparking lot or on the side of the road.10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

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