Joke of the day...

[Jim Eh.]

Been awhile ....

[Tien Holsten]

LOL I love this thread!

 

[Jim Eh.]

How to deal with telemarketers by Tom Mabe, always a good laugh ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_420523&feature=iv&src_vid=mkdoogjic4I&v=-7OgWcwgB50

[Jim Eh.]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.  Just as he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started  screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. 

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer - "MY ROLEX!"

[Jim Eh.]

          Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

         Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

         What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

         WAY TOO COOL!

         Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

           Nothing! I was disappointed.

           I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

           AWESOME!!!

           Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

           Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

           There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

            I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

           But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

          Am I wrong?

          So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

          The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

           All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

         What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

         I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

           I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

           I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

           I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

           The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

           Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

         You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

         SON-OF-A-B---H, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

         A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

           My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

           My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

           Apparently I $hit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

           I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

           P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

          'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.' A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.  Just as he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started  screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. 

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer - "MY ROLEX!"

[Jim Eh.]

Ponderings while waiting for a train to cross ...

If you drive you car at light speed will your headlights work?

If you drive your car at the speed of sound will your horn work?

[Jim Eh.]

Bin a while ...

A spider walks into the tavern. He walks up to the bar and says…”Bartender, could I please have an Imperial Stout?” So the bartender gives it to him and the spider pays for it.
After a time, the spider engages the bartender and another guy at the bar. They really had a good time talking. The bartender asked the Spider…”Wow, you’re really smart and well spoken. Where did you go to school?” The spider says…”Oh I never attended school a day in my life. My parents never went to school and my wife and 2 kids didn’t and won’t either.”
So the other guy asks…But how did you get to be so smart and well-spoken on a wide variety of subjects?”  The spider says…”Well Thank You sir. I guess I’m smart because I spend most of the day on the web.”

[chkdsk]

Krank sparked up an old thread. 

My 7 year old Grandson called me via his mother's cell phone today and said his dad had to go to the hospital today for an emergency. I enquired on what it was about and he replied "He had to get his Butt checked out, it had a crack in it" 

Then he laughed for 4 mins while it took me 30 seconds to catch on to what the joke was. 

Not too bad for a 7 year old

[Jim Eh.]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[WTE]

I was at WAL-MART buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dogs Kross & Rhodes, in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a bus hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say...

[WTE]

Funny pranks to do at Walmart (Do at your own risk)

Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares......and see what happens.

Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

Ask an associate for entry into the fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

Stand to the side of the automatic doors just out of sensor range when nobody is there and wave your had saying loudly “After you” while moving enough to activate the sensor.