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Husband talking to wife on cellphone:

 

Honey, I got hit by a car in front of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.

 

They have ran a bunch of tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head was strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

 

Wife’s Response:

 

Who is Paula?

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The other day my wife hinted at taking a second honeymoon. I hinted back "with who"?   Then the fight started ....

Now that is funny!! 

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  • 3 weeks later...
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:






Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector :-What is her height?

Husband :-I never checked.

Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.

Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector :-Color of eyes?

Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Color of hair?

Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?

Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector :-Was she driving?


Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-color of the car? . . . . .


Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.  And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door......................and then the husband started crying...

Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We willfind your car.





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A old crusty Mormon checks in to a Hotel and says to the clerk "the porn on my TV better be disabled"

 

The clerk replies "It's just regular porn you sick bastard!!!"

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A farmer  had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the  county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned  five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs   and split everything 50/50.  The farmers lived  sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a  field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first  morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs  into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and  drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were  mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are  pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're  lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant.  If they're in  the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud,  so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and  proceeded to try again.

This continued each  morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get  out of bed.  He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and  tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the  grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
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THE VICAR'S FALSE TEETH

 

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

 

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. 

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

 

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't

Talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.  Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.  Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?"

 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

 

"Slower than the speed limit?  No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

 

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

 

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

 

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask..Is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

 

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Highway 189."

 

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An Irish Priest rose from his  bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

   The conversation went like this:  "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones.  How might I help you?" 

   "And the best of the day te yerself.  This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.  There's a donkey lying dead on me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

   Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first,which is the reason for me call."

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VERN'S FUNERAL

Vern works hard but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
                                                          
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's also a waitress at the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the round, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says... "Hi, Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.


She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez, Vern, you picked up a real witch this time!'


VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY

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One winter day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
The silence was deafening. 

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Engineer and an Administrator....

 

 

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help.

 

You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

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