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A guy goes to an L.C. store to apply for a job.The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?""Yes," he says. "I was in Afghanistan for three years.The interviewer says, "That will give you extra pointstoward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"The guy says, "Yes, a mortar round explodednear me and blew my testicles off."The interviewer tells the guy, "Okay, I can hire youright now. The hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00pm. Youcan start tomorrow. Come in about 10:00 in the morning."The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8to 4, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00am?""This is a government job," the interviewer says. "Forthe first two hours we just stand around scratching ourballs... no point in you coming in for that."

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  • 2 weeks later...

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think Idon't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels likewhen I'm driving."

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  • 1 month later...
WARNING: The following content may be found offensive by some readers. Viewer discretion is advised. ...but it's too funny not to share.A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all die.They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my fingers.St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tips of your fingers in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the nex t girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."St. Peter says, "Okay dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Paula! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want todo it before Jessica sticks her a$$ in it!"
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Some quotes from Mitch Hedberg, one of the funniest comedians I have ever heard. It's a shame he died so young. (1968-2005)"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer""Every book is a children's book if the kid can read""I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.""I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.""I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.""I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.""I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.""I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.""I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.""I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.""My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"More here for those interested: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mitch_hedberg.html

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A 2006 study found that the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Canadians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles per gallon.

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I met an older woman at a club last night.She was OK for 53, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?I said no.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.I went back to her place.She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:"Mom you still awake?

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  • 2 weeks later...

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Tang.Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Tang said, 'OK, take off all your crose.'The woman did as she was told.'Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.'Again, the woman did as she was instructed.Dr . Tang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'As she did, Dr Tang shook his head slowly. 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'The woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God, Dr. Tang , what is Ed Zachary Disease?'Dr. Tang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

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On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is."Mornin' bye" says the attendant.Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground."What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant."They're called tees" replies Tiger."Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie."They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger."Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".

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After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?""In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?""Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

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A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. Whenwomen go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions atthe entrance:-"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value ofthe products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any itemfrom a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, butyou CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1stfloor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids andare extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled tokeep going.She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men HaveJobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help with Housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These menhave Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework andHave a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the signreads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are nomen on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women areimpossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.To avoid gender bias charges, the stores owner opens a New Wives storejust across the street. The 1st floor has wives that love sex. The 2ndfloor has wives that love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floorshave never been visited......

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You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.Here are some examples:1. FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.2. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes awhile to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device ifthe right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push thewrong buttons.3. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.4. HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to goanywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse5. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.6. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at andfrequently getting hit on.7. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.8. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weightshifts to the bottom.9. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.10. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I recently turned 45 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, Do you think I will live to be 80?"He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?""Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself"."Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!""Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?""No, I don't," I said."Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?""No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh!t?

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from, so he asks, "Do I know you?"To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithfulto his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelorparty that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!""Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?""He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.""This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm, not your penis."The other one replies, "It's working just fine right there. I'm down to two butts a day."

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