NevadaJoe Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.3 - Half the people you know are below average.4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_Earl_Spilner Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeze Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.' - George W. Bush 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.' - George W. Bush 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.' -George W. Bush'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.' - George W. Bush'The future will be better tomorrow.' - George W. Bush'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.' - George W. Bush'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.' - George W Bush'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe ' - George W. Bush'Public speaking is very easy.' - George W. Bush'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.' - George W. Bush'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.' -George W. Bush'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.' - George W. Bush'For NASA, space is still a high priority.' -George W. Bush'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.' -George W. Bush'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' - George W. Bush Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Run Away Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeze Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 A BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR ! A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things; 1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2) The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times !" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_Earl_Spilner Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Uncle Owen!(for you Star Wars fans...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_Earl_Spilner Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Hahahah one of the funniest Onion videos in a long time.(language warning) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curtis Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Joe Rogan's open letter to Kelloggs regarding Michael Phelps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWN7 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Introducing Denny's Octo-Slam...In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal: the "Octo-Slam", you get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tatawaki Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mzf Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Got this in an email earlier today:I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.Got a freakin' call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWN7 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Honest, I tryed to sell it....http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&&item=120382682577&ssPageName=ADME:B:EF:MOTORS:1120 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yofa Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 news flash! the president has been kidnapped by ninjas!http://www.kidnappedbyninjas.com/demo.php Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree. The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!' The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaJoe Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 From the water cooler at my office:Tired of my wildly fluctuating emotions my husband bought me a mood ring to help him gauge my state of mind.Here is what we have learned....When i'm in a good mood the ring glows green. When i'm in a bad mood the ring leaves a big red mark in the middle of his forehead.Maybe next time he will buy me a diamond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curtis Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Nissan ad with Andy Richter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeze Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 After the squirrels, this one morphs into River Dance meets Hooters.After that it just gets weird. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Another way to make a locked diff: http://www.pirate4x4.com/forum/showthread.php?t=763645 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curtis Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 This sounds like a great job opportunity.http://winnipeg.kijiji.ca/c-jobs-construction-trades-CONSTRUCTION-EXPERIENCE-LOOKING-FOR-WORK-IN-BRITISH-COLUMBIA-W0QQAdIdZ113698771P.S. That diff thread was done as a joke. He lets the cat out of the bag a few pages in for those that couldn't figure it out on their own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_Earl_Spilner Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Dinosaur Mascot eats the floor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_Earl_Spilner Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mzf Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I can't find a pic but has anyone seen the recent Quiznos ads? Pretty funny stuff. One of them is for their new 13" Torpedo sub. The caption reads A TASTY SUB FOR YOU. A SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE FOR YOUR DATE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaJoe Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Damon Hill Makes him sickhttp://jalopnik.com/5177020/damon-hill-drives-reporter-to-sickness-in-mercedes-amg-sl55?autoplay=true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mzf Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stmAn 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents' £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he'll have to scrub it off when he gets back from travelling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobynT Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 like this one mike? http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1326/1367633067_cb6514ea28.jpg?v=0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWN7 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Passover..... Facebook stylehttp://9a4440c5.fb.joyent.us/haggadah/ultraModern2.php Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaJoe Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:================================================== ==============1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an bum.3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.13. Glibido: All talk and no action.14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating....and in a similar vein...The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobynT Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIdsVGJLES4i love this commercial, so cute lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobynT Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 and now some awesome milk commercials ... i am trying to find my favourite one.. if i do manage to find it i'll edit it in.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 Curse warning:http://jalopnik.com/5191437/autozone-customer-takes-matters-into-his-own-hands-after-45-minutes-on-hold"IT'S ME F&^#ER!!!"I LOL'ed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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