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Tickle me elmo JokeThere is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...''Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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Diary of a Snow ShovelerDecember 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I tookour cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge softflakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. Soromantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inchof the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovelyplace in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I didboth our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow camealong and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I gotto shovel again. What a perfect life.December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. Myneighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow bythe end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't thinkthat's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. Thecold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but Iwarmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! Thesnowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn'trealize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainlyget back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snowtires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. Thewife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that'ssilly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the drivewayputting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which Ithink was very cruel.December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricitywas off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothingto do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess Ishould've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate itwhen she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried tofind a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playinghockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around tosee about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have anothershipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel orthe city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of thewhite **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt tillAugust. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel andthen I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressedagain. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow onhis truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I thinkthe ******* is lying.December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0o. The wife wanted me todecorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Whydidn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I thinkshe's lying.December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I washaving a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drivesthat snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know hehides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then hecomes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all overwhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing ChristmasCarols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for thegoddamn snowplow.December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowedin. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Thenthe snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over thehead with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she'san idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'mgoing to kill her.December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.She's really getting on my nerves.December 27: Temperature dropped to -30o and the pipes froze.December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving mecrazy!!!!!December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars.The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep givingme. Why am I tied to the bed?

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my igoogle jokes widget spit out a bad one:What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?Their last big hit was The Wall.oohh... that was insensitive.

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London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense 'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years . No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as criminals received better treatment than their victims.. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth & Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; & his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame & I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.' And a little extra........................ Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following statistics? 29 have been accused of spouse abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time for assault 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 4 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits 84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year Which organisation is this? It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. _

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Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, Iheard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran asingle wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggestcattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground.The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, thebetter the fence works.One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheelpushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew fora fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wireand reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems asthough I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right handand the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind thecharger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of anupside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing Inotice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My earscurled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in thebackside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, Icould feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fightingover who would control my electrical impulses.Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg todiffer. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind ofbowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned backand BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like therewere minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it waslike exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto thefence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't letgo. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dadalways had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that werelike 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through thepermadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'mgoing to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out ofgas.'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a lopingrun pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God,please let me die... pleeeeze let me die'. But nooooo, it settles intothe rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore rollercam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing inmy own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my ownstupidity had created...I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up layingon the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. Itwas later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large deadgrass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny deadspot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on toit. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing hadsomehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically inducedsleep I realized a few things.1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek(not the left, just the right).3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad asyou might think.4- My left eye will not open.5- My right eye will not close.6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think ourlittle session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because itwas better than new after that.7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of thenumber 4 (still dont understand this?)That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. Iappreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to makesure the fence is unplugged before I mow.The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I canclearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT givesme a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triplecheck before I mow.

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A man who worked in a bell tower as a bell-ringer was looking for someone to replace him in his job. He put an ad out in the paper and the only person who responded was a man with no arms. The bell-ringer asked him "how will you ring the bell if you have no arms?" The man replied "just watch." So he ran at the bell and hit it with his head, causing it to ring. He tried again, but this time missed the bell and ran off the tower. Down in the street where he fell, a bunch of people had gathered, staring at his body. A police officer arrived and asked the bell-ringer "do you know this man's name?" and the bell-ringer replied "nope, but his face sure rings a bell."

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were Ecstatic. When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

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best of craigslist > SF bay area > Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extendOriginally Posted: Wed, 7 May 14:49 PDTNemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extend--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Date: 2008-05-07, 2:49PM PDTI've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I'm willing to pay $350 up front for you services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again". That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis.British accent preferred.it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsCompensation: $350 up frontPostingID: 672031640--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Copyright © 2009 craigslist, inc. terms of use privacy policy feedback forum

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Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"======================================================================"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.""Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?""Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"======================================================================From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:"I'm f...ing bored!"Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"======================================================================O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is aFokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the Little Fokker in sight."======================================================================A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"Student: "When I was number one for take-off."======================================================================A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."======================================================================There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down."Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."======================================================================Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?""The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."======================================================================Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."======================================================================One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."======================================================================While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, butget it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move tillI tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?""Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Airline Announcements? United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it! ************************************* On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. " ************************************* "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" ************************************* An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. �The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." �He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. �Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" *************************************** As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, �WHOA!" ******************************************* After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that." ************************************* Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: �"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ************************************* Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: �During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. �After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .�Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" *********************************** "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." *********************************** "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. �Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. �Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there." ****************************************** Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City .. �The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. �I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt" **************************************** After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. �And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." **************************************** Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. �And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways" **************************************** Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." **************************************** A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . �After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. �Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . �The weather ahead is goo d and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. �Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" �Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. �You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. �You should see the back of mine!"

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