Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
JT_TT

Joke of the day...

Recommended Posts

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in well under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just LOL!

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment' date=' whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in well under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower[/quote']

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Why Men are Rarely Published in Dear AbbyDear Abby' date='I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although When I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think Deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?Thanks,Bob[/quote']And on the flip side of the coin

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.Engineers: Evidence removed.Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.Engineers: That's what they're for.Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.Engineers: Suspect you're right.Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.Pilots: Target radar humsEngineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.Engineers: Cat installed.Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

True enough.What I really meant to say was, "Nice one, boring white guy." Ha ha.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

TO TRULY KNOW EACH OTHER A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away and immediately declared his intentions to her. She protested "But we don't know anything about each other" He replied, " That's all right we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, 'That was incredible! He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said: "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No, she said, I was a hooker in Winnipeg and I worked both sides of the Red River."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TO TRULY KNOW EACH OTHER A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away and immediately declared his intentions to her. She protested "But we don't know anything about each other" He replied' date=' " That's all right we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, 'That was incredible! He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said: "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No, she said, I was a hooker in Winnipeg and I worked both sides of the Red River."[/quote']That's a terrible, terrible joke....What kind of resort has a 10m board?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those pills that 'help' get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills! I'm still looking for a place to live.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×