NevadaJoe Posted April 4, 2012 Share Posted April 4, 2012 This is HER diary entry and HIS diary entry for the same day . . . . .HER ENTRY . . . . .Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact I was a bit late, but he made no comment about it.Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said,"Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept on driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too". When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep, and I lay there crying. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster!HIS ENTRY FOR THE SAME DAY . . . . .The Ferrari wont start . . . . can't figure out why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beau Posted April 5, 2012 Share Posted April 5, 2012 Nice one. LOL'd at work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shabaaz Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 'A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?''Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, which has a purple hue and the odd yellow stripe, while a cow turns out a flat patty, with pungent zephyr and obtuse bouquet and a horse produces clumps of dried grass, with dessicated overtones and underlying draconian themes in it’s line structures . Why do you suppose that is?'The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know 'poo-poo' ?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chkdsk Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "pour some hot warm water over it." Wife texts back: "computer completely f*$ked now." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JT_TT Posted April 7, 2012 Author Share Posted April 7, 2012 PETA people need not watch... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaJoe Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.""What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.""What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.""Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.""What about that eye patch?""Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them poo-poo in my eye.""You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poo-poo.""It was my first day with the hook." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaJoe Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Question - Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer fromshyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor orpharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and moreconfident about yourself and your actions.It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the worldthat you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You willnotice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, witha regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that preventyou from living the life you want to live.Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you willdiscover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and startliving. Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, womenwho wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to tryit.Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss ofvirginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration,dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds ofStrip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.WARNINGS:* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 So, on average, Joe...How many Fwd's would you say you get in a day? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaJoe Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 So' date=' on average, Joe...How many Fwd's would you say you get in a day? [/quote']Hey! There is still an outstanding lunch for a swaybar pick up at Menkes 3 years ago big shooter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apex Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Zing! 0987654321 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Hey! There is still an outstanding lunch for a swaybar pick up at Menkes 3 years ago big shooter! Have you been to an autocross since then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaJoe Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Have you been to an autocross since then?Yep. The day You wanted $100 to install the "WSCC support vehicle" window sticker on my truck big shooter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Eh. Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 JiggyA young lad from Sydney , Nova Scotia goes off to University,but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all ofhis money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what moderneducation is developing.They actually have a program here in Antigonish that could teach ourdog "Jiggy" how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Jiggy in that program?' 'Just send him in here with $1200,' the young lad says, 'I'll get himin the course.' So his father sends the dog "Jiggy"and $1200. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.The young lad calls home.'So how's Jiggy doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm.But you just won't believe this.They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach theanimals how to read..' 'Read?!' exclaims his father.'No kidding! How do we get our Jiggy in that program?' 'Just send $2300. I'll get him in the class for sure.' The money promptly arrives.But our hero has a problem.At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neithertalk nor read.So he shoots the dog.When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's my Jiggy? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see himread something!' 'Dad,' the young lad says, 'I have some grim news.Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jiggy was in theliving room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Cape BretonPost.Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redheadworking in the bakery at the grocery store?'' The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitchbefore he talks to your Mother!''I sure did, Dad!''That's my boy!'The kid went on to be a successful lawyer... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Eh. Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Had a bad day?This is even funnier when you realize it's real!Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in LouisianaHe performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial inIndiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below...~Hi Sue,Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.Needless to say, I aborted the dive.I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaJoe Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_Earl_Spilner Posted April 30, 2012 Share Posted April 30, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_Earl_Spilner Posted May 18, 2012 Share Posted May 18, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apex Posted May 18, 2012 Share Posted May 18, 2012 My day just got that much better, thanks Kosta! King who? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paceman Posted May 18, 2012 Share Posted May 18, 2012 I just like the referance to "I'll take two of the big ones..."It does fit in there well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluesi92 Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 I just like the reference to "I'll take two of the big ones..."It does fit in there well.That's funny! I'll bet Kosta didn't even notice that.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_Earl_Spilner Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 That's funny! I'll bet Kosta didn't even notice that....Lies. I always notice these things... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nico Posted May 28, 2012 Share Posted May 28, 2012 Lies. I always notice these things...I didn't notice King Kong, why would I even notice his sig! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Eh. Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 For the "other" side of 50A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sundayafter he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The secondSunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talksfor 2 hours and 48 minutes.The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and theyasked him what happened.The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn'ttalk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too muchto talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put hiswife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NevadaJoe Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 How to Tell the Sex of a FlyA woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter"What are you doing?" She asked."Hunting Flies" He responded."Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"He responded,"3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chkdsk Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 Irony?: The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever, to 46 million people.Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Eh. Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Time for a physicalDuring his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.Avoided standing on a snake. Climbed several rocky hills.I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.The mental stress of it all left me shattered.At the end of it all I drank eight beers"Inspired by the story, the doctor said,"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!""No," he replied,"I'm just a shit golfer". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 New, New MathI purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried... Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s: 1. Teaching Math In 1960sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ? 2. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No4. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 2000s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok). 6. Teaching Math In 2010 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho? ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magner Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 That's awesome Chris! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justkickin Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 LOL Chris!!!! Now swap that for an RS3 and give them to me in the right sizes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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