Joke of the day...

[JT_TT]

iTITApple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.The I-TIT will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Art]

Got this one from Marion .....

[JT_TT]

Jeremy Clarkson Quotes"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen.""We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.""[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany""America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker"On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot". Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?" Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible:thisis another league of badness!""some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!""the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite""Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?""The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"(Fed up during the caravanning trip) "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!""This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.Notthat that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.""I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction.Run them down to prove them wrong'"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi""Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!"Well Mr. Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted""Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory""Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, it's just........" Hammond:"THAT bad is it? "Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didn't you spot that?!" Hammond:"I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph." Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on?I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!""Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for amurderer.""I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time""[talking about the Audi TT]there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face""Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.It'slike making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. ""Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps.""you can't have this car with a diesel, it's like saying, I won't go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!""During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..." Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright greenTonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President

[JT_TT]

A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to otherpeople, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on anovernight sleeper-train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy oversharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he inthe upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboardto get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here"."I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend thatwe're married."WOW!!! .....that's a great idea!" he exclaimed."Good," she replied. "get your own f**king blanket!".There was a stunned silence.Then he farted.

[JT_TT]

Cheezy Joke Warning!!Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the greatcomposers. Anyway to give the film a twist and some "oomph" hedecides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today. He callsStallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Seagal into his office to hear who theywould like to play:"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would loveto play him.""Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve ifpeople saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him.""I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal."I'd like to play him."Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be,Arnold?"So Arnold says ..."I'll be Bach."

[Kerry]

We interrupt this program for an important message:JT's number crunching is flawed and his glorified beetle is at the bottom of the barrel.That is all.

Every thread is a smack talk thread!

[JT_TT]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.It read;"Dear Wife,You must realise that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this fax I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.You Husband"When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him that read as follows;"Dear Husband,You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this fax I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.Don't wait up"

[JT_TT]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.""No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[JT_TT]

RE: Email Chain LettersDear AllMy thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .....Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.Thanks to you,I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.And thanks to your great advice,I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

[mzf]

Maybe instead of being "Joke of the day..." this thread should be called "JT's thread..."

[lotiguy]

" this thread should be called "JT's thread..."

isn't JT a joke in general? :) :)i mean really he drives an AUDLY :)sorry had to take it....... LOL

[JT_TT]

Haha come on guys, my jokes are funny...your shots at me are a bit lame and for a joke thread you should of picked up the pace and thought about it for a bit. Jeff posts in here too sometimes...oh and i did start the post so i'm allowed to post in

[Jeff]

This off-topic banter has gone far enough. Unadultered, smack-free threads (like this one was) are an endangered species around here, so back to the comedy!...A guy goes into the doctor's office."Doc, you gotta help me," he pleads. "I've already got 9 kids and my wife's pregnant AGAIN. How do I stop the stork?""That's easy," replies the doctor, "shoot it in the air."

[JT_TT]

HAHA Jeff that was a good one-----------------------------------------------------------------------See! blondes are smartA bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

[mzf]

OK, I'll contribute:

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"The guy says "I mount animals."The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

[mzf]

And another...

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[RobynT]

Jeez guys, i blame you. People now look at me funny when we have free computer time in drafting cuz i read this thread due to the massive amount of blocks on all internet sites that are even half worth while (this one excluded of course) and i end up randomly bursting out in laughter.. which is about when people start looking at me funny. that and i keep telling these jokes to my friends... which is always fun since some of them are... er interesting in content lol.

[mzf]

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS . SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATHROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU". "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE. "WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED." BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."

[ForesterCarlin]

QUIT YELLING MIKE!!!!

[mzf]

Don't blame me. I just copied and pasted. Didn't feel like retyping the whole thing.

[mzf]

[JT_TT]

FROM Delilah SandersonHuman Resources DirectorTO All employeesDate November 6 2004RE Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd starting at noon in the private function room in the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a three piece band playing traditional carols..........after a few drinks, please feel free to sing along. And, don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!A Christmas tree will be lit at 13:00. Exchange of gifts amongst employees can be done at this time; however, no gift should be over £10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocket. This gathering is only for employees.Merry Christmas to you all and your families, DelilahFROM Delilah SandersonHuman Resources DirectorTO All employeesDate November 7 2004RE Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterdays memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we are calling it our "Holiday Party".The same policy applies to any of our other non Christian employees. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas Carols sung. We will have other types of music for your entertainmentHappy now?Happy Holiday to you all. DelilahFROM Delilah SandersonHuman Resources DirectorTO All employeesDate November 8 2004RE Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non drinking table....you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous any more!!Forget about the present exchange. No gifts will be allowed as the union official said £10 was too much money to spend on their "Comrades" and management consider £10 too cheap. So NO GIFT EXCHANGEFROM Delilah SandersonHuman Resources DirectorTO All employeesDate November 8 2004RE Holiday PartyMY, what a diverse group we are. I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit furthest away from the dessert buffet and pregnant women table closest to the toilets. Gays will be allowed to sit with each other, lesbians do not have to sit with the gays, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the men's table also. To the person asking for permission to cross-dress - NOWe will have booster seats for short arses. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. As we cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest those with high blood pressure, taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as a dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. SorryDid I miss anything ?!?!?!?FROM Delilah SandersonSlave Traders DirectorTO All poo-poo-head employeesDate November 9 2004RE The Phucking Holiday PartyVegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people. The party STAYS at the Grill House, like it or not. Sit at the table furthest from the “grill of death" as you put it and you'll get your blasted salad bar with organic tomatoes. But listen....tomatoes have feelings as well you know. They scream when you cut them. Oh yes. I've heard them scream. I can hear them screaming NOW.Have a rotten holidayFROM John ParkerActing Human Resources DirectorTO All employeesDate November 10 2004RE Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Delilah Sanderson a speedy recovery and I'll forward your cards to her.In the meantime, the management have decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of December 23 off with full payHappy Holidays

[Kerry]

hahahah! Now that is funny!

[mzf]

Hey! I think I've worked for that company! lol

[JT_TT]

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?45LbWhat’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?45mins.What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?Sexual Harassment.What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?$3.99 a minute.How can you tell if your wife is dead?The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.How can you tell if your husband is dead?The sex is the same, but you get the remote.What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?Marriage.How many men does it take to change a light bulb?None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.What is a man's view of safe sex?A padded headboard.How do men sort their laundry?"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.What do you call a smart blonde?A golden retriever.What is the difference between a battery and a woman?A battery has a positive side.A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?The blonde, because she's 18.Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?When you take it off, you wonder where the breast went.Do you know the punishment for bigamy?Two mothers-in-law.

[JT_TT]

A group of country neighbours wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbours' house each month.Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Dick and Jane Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Jane wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.A few days before the big event, Jane got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for fresh mushrooms was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive."He said, "Why don't you go down in the meadow and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right down in the old river bed."She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."He then said, "I don't think so. I see the animals eating them all the time and it’s never affected them."After thinking about this, Jane decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.All morning long, Jane watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.The meal was a great success, and Jane even hired a lady from town, Phodge, to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. She was first class.After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.About this time, Phodge came in from the kitchen and whispered in Jane's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, there has just been a telephone call, Spot just died."With this news, Jane went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, I think everything will be fine now, and he left."They were all agast and looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, Phodge came in and said, "You know, that BMW that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!

[Jeff]

That was a LONG way to go for that punchline. And what kind of a name is Phodge?Redeem yourself with a good one or BAN!

[ForesterCarlin]

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.She answered the phone crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!""You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!'"

[ForesterCarlin]

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?""I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

[JT_TT]

For the Cyber age..Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male.