JT_TT

Joke of the day...

755 posts in this topic

i know we used to have this back in the day. i hope it's still allowed...oh yea try to keep it somewhat reasonable i figure...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HEAR YE, HEAR YEi got this off a UK forum, i thought it was neat...(A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America): In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left immediately. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called CRISPS. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with salt and vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football. You call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). . Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That one is awesome!Here's one I got in an email today..."Apple Computer reported today that it has developed a device to safely store and play music inside women's breasts . This is being touted as a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why Men are Rarely Published in Dear AbbyDear Abby,I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although When I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think Deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?Thanks,Bob

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A survey on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. The survey was repeated recently in Kabul and it was noted that women still walk behind their husbands and despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk further back, and they are happy to maintain the old custom. One of the Afghani women surveyed was asked why, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The reply, without hesitation, was, "Land Mines."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

These are pretty good! I got this one in an e-mail today:WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"HUSBAND: "Of course I do."WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "WIFE: - - -silence - -HUSBAND: "oh poo-poo"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DEER HUNTING OR THE FUNERALA man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Seasonin rural _________ near a blacktop highway. A huge buckwalked by and the hunter carefully drew his rifle and tookcareful aim.Before he could pull the trigger, his friend pointed at afuneral procession passing on the road below their stand.The hunter slowly set his rifle back down, took off his hat,bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtfuland touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindestman I have ever known."The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35years it just felt like the right thing to do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A survey on gender roles in Kabul' date=' Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. The survey was repeated recently in Kabul and it was noted that women still walk behind their husbands and despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk further back, and they are happy to maintain the old custom. One of the Afghani women surveyed was asked why, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The reply, without hesitation, was, "Land Mines."[/quote']heehee this is an awesome joke, by the way my friends love it lol....but all the guys keep saying it's cruel...hmmm wonder why lol :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

had to call tech support today"hi my printer wont work"why whats wrong with it??my mouse is stuck...thats got nothing to do with your printer... do you even know what your talking about??hang on ill take a photoPosted Image

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

awwww poor mouse. hehedon't let Lise see that!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," shereplies, (thinking, "Isn't that bvious?"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her."I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'mreading " "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.""If you do that, I will have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven'teven touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.Moral: Never argue with a woman

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Son: Dad, will you give me $20 for a BJ?Father: Well that depends... you any good at it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I wentto the currency exchange window at the local bank.Short line. Just one guy in front of me. An Asian guy who wastrying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.He asked the teller, "Why it change?Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.Today I get hunat eighty?Why it change?"The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two old guys, one 80 and one 75, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 80 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 75 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.The 80 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."So, on the way home, the 75 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the clerk asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"The clerk said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"He replied, "I want 5 loaves.She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this **** but me."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What's the difference between a cactus and a porsche? On a cactus, the prick is on the outside :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

haha i'm ussually not one for bush jokes, but this one was funny

Invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona, President Bush spoke for almost an hour of his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. Though vague on the details of his plan,he appeared enthusiastic about his ideas for helping his "red brothers.At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presentedthe President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name -- 'Walking Eagle'.As the President departed waving to the crowd in his motorcade, a News Reporter asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name given to the President.They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird that is so full of sh*t it can no longer fly

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. bag of coffee, And 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A society matron once said to Winston Churchill, "you're drunk" He replied, "Yes ma'am, I am. But you are ugly, and I will be sober in the morning."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
WANT TO KNOW HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?well...Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.If they are counting the bricks.Put them in the accounts department.If they are recounting them..Put them in auditing.If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.Put them in engineering.If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.Put them in planning.If they are throwing the bricks at each other.Put them in operations.If they are sleeping.Put them in security.If they have broken the bricks into pieces.Put them in information technology.If they are sitting idle.Put them in human resources.If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.Put them in sales.If they have already left for the day.Put them in marketing.If they are staring out of the window.Put them on strategic planning.And then last but not least. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.Congratulate them and put them in top management.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

hehe some random funny pictures i found yesterdayPosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now