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NevadaJoe

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About NevadaJoe

  • Rank
    Senior Member
  • Birthday 01/22/1963

core_pfieldgroups_99

  • Location
    The road to retirement
  1. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day my wife and Iwent into town and visited a shop.When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and I said,'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'He ignored us and continued writing the ticket...I called him a fool.He glared at me and started writing another ticketfor having worn-out tires.So my wife called him a "s**t head".He finished the second ticketand put it on the windshield with the first.Then he started writing more tickets.This went on for about 20 minutes.The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.Just then our bus arrived.We got on it and went home!
  2. A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Tell him I'll kill him if he doesn't tell the truth!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
  3. I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.I noticed two large women by the bar.They both had strong accents so I asked “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”One of them screamed “It’s WALES you IDIOT!”So, I immediately apologized and said “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
  4. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
  5. Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?Where do they go?Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:"Freeze a jolly good fellow.""Freeze a jolly good fellow."Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
  6. Not sure if this is a joke or not. If it's not a joke, it's funny as hell.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNDyhq8pbvs
  7. A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.She repeats this gesture about five more times...When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
  8. 'Hello?''Hi honey.This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?''No, Daddy.She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'After a brief pause,Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now..'Brief Pause.'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to MommyThat Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.' 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'A few minutes laterThe little girl comes back to the phone.'I did it, Daddy.''And what happened, honey?''Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresserAnd now she isn't moving at all!''Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?''He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool.But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it.He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'Long PauseLonger PauseEven Longer PauseThen Daddy says,'Swimming pool? ...........Is this 486-5731?'No, I think you have the wrong number........
  9. The stage would be Joke of The Day for sure!
  10. ^ It's something I picked up at my day job - The Casinos of Winnipeg.
  11. Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.........This is done by the chip monks.
  12. Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, oonwalking, back flips, the works.The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed To me and I turned him down."Husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating."
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